Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Tectonic Tuesday: Lindsay Lohan

Regular readers know of the Allah-inspired warning given us by Imam Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi: "Many women who do not dress modestly [...] spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes."

It's rare that such immediate and definite proof of the truth of his words can be found than what happened last week. Can anyone doubt he's right after this latest proof? Is it time to stop the Tectonic Tuesdays project, or will it continue to be necessary to post pictures of immodest women?

Sixteenth Case Study: Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan is a fallen child star who is so pathetic that she wasn't even on the Tectonic Tuesday's research team's list of possible candidates, although perhaps she should have been... like Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, she spent her early career working on Walt Disney Corporation productions. She displayed a great deal of promise and her talent was unquestionable in films like "The Parent Trap" and "Mean Girls," but she threw it all away when she chose the life of a booze-addled party girl over that of a working actress. Despite repeated chances to get back on the straight and narrow, Lohan continued to flaunt both common sense and the courts showing her leniency following her intoxicated brushes with disaster and the law, and so she proved herself to be the dullest kind of immodest woman: The Stupid One.

But with the release of "Machete", where Lohan appears naked (with her hair strategically spirit-gummed to her breasts in a false pretense of maintaining some modesty), Lohan proved exactly how deadly even the most pathetic immodest woman can be. As she appeared on over 3000 movie screens across the United States this past Friday, a massive earthquake struck New Zealand. The cost in human lives and property is still being assessed, but parts of the island nation are still inaccessible.

Disregarding Lindsay Lohan as a threat was a mistake. She will most likely visit even greater terror upon the world, as her next movie project has her portraying a 1970s porn movie actress. The earth with tremble, buildings will fall... and all because of the immodesty of Lindsay Lohan.